Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Leaving Jerusalem

In the beginning of the Book of Mormon Lehi and his family are commanded to leave Jerusalem.
They left behind all of their possessions. all of their precious things. took nothing expect the essentials.
They suffered hunger, physical aliments, trials, and family problems.
Yet they gave thanks to God.

"And he also spake unto them concerning the land of promise, which they had obtained—how merciful the Lord had been in warning us that we should flee out of the land of Jerusalem.
For, behold, said he, I have seen a vision, in which I know that Jerusalem is destroyed; and had we remained in Jerusalem we should also have perished."

How often does God in His mercy warn us to leave our "Jerusalem"?
How much faith does it take to leave? 
What do we have to leave behind? 

"Behold, these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy."

When the Lord asks us to leave do we think, Well I might be happy if.....? I fall into this trap too often. I know that what God wants for me is best and leads to happiness, yet I wine and say, "I JUST WANT TO BE UNHAPPY!"

 "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

How often do I forget Him? How often do I choose something that will lead to unhappiness because of my lack of understanding, or lack of faith or lack of wanting to accept His will?

"And I said unto them: If God had commanded me to do all things I could do them. If he should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done.
And now, if the Lord has such great power, and has wrought so many miracles among the children of men, how is it that he cannot instruct me, that I should [_____]?"

How often do I think that what He has asked me is super hard? 

I need to learn that as His daughter, I don't always understand the WHY of something. I need to trust that He will lead me. 

 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;
 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.
 And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.
Wherefore, do the things which I have commanded you, saith your Redeemer, even the Son Ahman, who prepareth all things before he taketh you;
For ye are the church of the Firstborn, and he will take you up in a cloud, and appoint every man his portion.
And he that is a faithful and wise steward shall inherit all things. Amen."

 And I am promised that if I listen and act, God will give me the blessings of eternity. How does that even compare to "I might have been happy" ?
On another note - Halloween is coming!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Thoughts and Thinking

Life can be so wonderful.
Life can also be so confusing.
Earlier this week, I felt so overwhelmed by thoughts. It was like I couldn't fit them inside myself. Thoughts of the future, present, past, non-realistic future, etc.
Really, we as humans have a myriad of things to think about.

Somethings that have been on my mind are:
What should I do when I grow up?
How can I change the world just being one person?
Why is my faith so important to me? 
What do adults do? 
What will happen to America in the near future? 
How can I be a better friend?
How can I do everything I need to do?
What is my ten year plan?
How can I be a better sister, daughter and aunt?
How will I ever get married? 
How will I continue my education?
What books will I read?
How will I ever get a job and move to Lubbock?

Should I be an artist?

I have been confused for quite sometime and after last week I felt like my thoughts were crushing me. I felt like I wasn't strong enough to endure them. However, God is great! Lately, the Book of Mormon has been such a large blessing. The only rest I have obtained has been in those pages, those words. The burden is lifted as I read and then comes back as soon as I am done. Faith moves mountains of ______ even if for small moments. 

Yesterday and anteayer were such wonderful days. I felt like I could breathe. Also some wonderful things have happened. Realizations have come. I applied for some jobs in Lubbock. I applied at some interesting places - Pest Control - Furniture Store - Bath & Body Works - and realized that I really need to go back to school for me. I also went to the LAB! It felt so great to be there among friends and fellow scientist. I've also been listening to several scientific lectures, and I rediscovered my love for science. Science fills me with such a special emotion. CURIOUSITY. JOY. DEEP THOUGHT. GIDDINESS. It gives me moments like Velma from ScoobyDoo - Jinkies!
Could I really be happy doing something else? 
So the thoughts of graduate school are resurfacing. AND it thrills me! I felt better about so many things. As of next weekend, I will be living in Lubbock. I will have a poor paying job. I will be poor. BUT I feel good about it! Bring on the happiness.

Thursday, September 13, 2012


So as of late, I have felt little purpose in my life. I have a great family and wonderful friends, but feel a great emptiness.

This probably has something to do with having a very specific purpose, being completely busy and then coming home to a life of unknowns.

I also feel so unsure of who I am as a person. Before my mission and during it, I usually felt confident in knowing what I was doing - THE PLAN FOR THE LIFE OF ALLISON SPENCER- and in who I was. (Obviously this was not 100% true all of the time - I am a woman) Now I am having some sort of identity crisis and am having a period of lack of motivation.
mo·ti·va·tion  (mt-vshn)
a. The act or process of motivating.
b. The state of being motivated.
2. Something that motivates; an inducement or incentive.

motivation [ˌməʊtɪˈveɪʃən]
1. the act or an instance of motivating
2. desire to do; interest or drive
3. incentive or inducement
4. (Psychology) Psychol the process that arouses, sustains and regulates human and animal behaviour
motivational  adj
motivative  adj
 Yeah all of that above is something I lack in large quantities.

So in order to add more excitement to my life, I am making goals. Many people choose to create bucket lists for their lives - but mine is for the next 10 months! I am hoping that this will add more purpose to my day to day life, an added sense of anticipation and some happiness!

Zombie Allison - Thanks Garrett

 Maybe zombies would help motivate me..................