Tuesday, August 6, 2013


I have always been drawn to trees. I love them in every season. Winter would not be the same without their nakedness. Spring has my favorite green - fresh leaf buds. Summer trees provide the best shade. Fall.....fall is my favorite.....the crunch of the leaves as you walk, the gradual changing of colors. I love art with trees. I love taking pictures of trees.

Right now, I feel like I have no roots. I guess you can say I feel torn between so many things. I feel like I don't have any time to really settle into things. I have this feeling that I need to make lots of decisions, big, important decisions. However, I am not sure of what the decisions are. Recently I have felt heavy. This heaviness that doesn't go away.
I have always tried to remain positive. If I have a bad day, I tell myself that I need to be optimistic and stop pitying myself. I have a hard time dealing with those deep down unpleasant feelings. Lately, these type of feelings are being uncovered and I can't seem to bury them.
People have asked me how I am doing. I always smile and say that I am good! Because that is what I usually am.
 I am having to learn that its ok not to be good. Its ok to have a bad month. Its ok to tell people that I am actually not ok.

This sounds rather silly that I have yet to learn this, doesn't it?
 Life still is full of good moments. Those seconds that make you laugh from deep down inside. Those moments of peace and comfort. Those simple times of feeling like you can get through anything. So while life is hard at the moment, it is also very sweet.

This picture was taken on Thanksgiving day 2011. Its not a picture that I normally would notice, but I just love this picture. It is in the middle of me trying to get a great jumping shot. That day was probably the most homesick I felt as a missionary. These are my favorite trees in Denver. Monaco parkway. The houses are just lovely. The trees look good every season. This day was also a day of many smiles and wonderful people. I received so much happiness from teaching someone to make mashed potatoes. I will always cherish those moments.

I am glad that hard times are times for learning, crying and good memories. 

Monday, May 27, 2013

Its been a while

Life has kept going as it always does.
I always want to say something profound and wise when I blog, but maybe I should be content with my usual, everyday thoughts. Much and very little have happened over the past months. Isn't that how it always is?

Today, I have been thinking about what gives life meaning. I always feel like big things make life exciting and interesting. These elusive moments are longed for. The ever present idea of "when this happens" or "if this happens" seem to invade my mind. Over the past months I have done many things that were new. I signed a very long contract to purchase my new car. I did many supposedly gown-up things at work. I traveled to Las Vegas all by myself. I dated. I overcame one my biggest personal trials. The list goes on....

Someone asked me recently about where do I see myself in ten years. I said all of the usual things - married, kids..... Then they asked about my goals. My goal is to be happy. At the time the answer seemed kinda lame, but thinking about the act of "being happy" right now is kinda daunting.

My friend Kyle and I spoke this week. We are both in similar positions in life. We work at our "grown up jobs," we live at home with our moms, and are about the same age. He said, "I'm 25 and I live at home. I might as well start buying cats." I told him, "Kyle, I'm almost 25 and I live at home and I HAVE a cat." Hahaha.

So how do I as a almost 25 year old, living at home, cat owning chemist add meaning and happiness to my life? This is something that I need to think about.

However, in my reading today I found something wonderful. A war between the Nephites and Lamanites has just ended. At this time the people have been very obedient and are prospering.

Alma 50

19 And thus we see how merciful and just are all the dealings of the Lord, to the fulfilling of all his words unto the children of men; yea, we can behold that his words are verified, even at this time, which he spake unto Lehi, saying:

20 Blessed art thou and thy children; and they shall be blessed, inasmuch as they shall keep my commandments they shall prosper in the land. But remember, inasmuch as they will not keep my commandments they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord.

23 But behold there never was a happier time among the people of Nephi, since the days of Nephi, than in the days of Moroni, yea, even at this time, in the twenty and first year of the reign of the judges.

I love this promise. I love that Heavenly Father keeps His promises. Just like Mosiah 2:41 these show that as we keep the commandments we can have happiness.

The Lord has made so many promises to me. I always expect life to be VERY exciting and full of huge moments. I struggle with seeing the beauty in the small things in life, but have had several moments recently where I was fully aware of the simple beauty of everyday life.

One of them happened a week ago. I was sitting on a huge tube next to my MTC comp Sis. Thomas. We were tubing in Las Vegas. I had never been before and like always when trying new things, I was nervous. It was wonderful. I was laughing so hard as we both tried to stay on. The water was freezing. I just kept laughing and laughing. I have not felt a trill like that for a while. It was wonderful.

Another one happened over a month ago. I was sitting in the back of a pick up truck driving around Lubbock. Something told me to take it in. Looking at the stars and feeling that awesome Lubbock wind felt different.

Another was talking to a good friend late at night while being upset. He mentioned the importance of having meaningful conversation in a friendship.

Another was hearing my nephew pray for our family.

So my life may not be super exciting. It may even be quite dull. But its up to me to choose to be happy. Its up to me to find meaning in small things.

With love from Hobbs....

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Happy 150th Post - Fail

So this week has been.......well I don't know if there is really a word for it.

Lately, I have felt great. This last weekend I felt really happy, more happy than I have in so long. I have been changing my attitude and thoughts. I finally felt like I knew who I am again.

I made a really big, really hard decision this week. Life altering really.

But, I want to talk about days like today. Days after hard weeks. Long work hours. Little rest. Frustration. And failure.

I don't want to rant to the internet, but I feel like blogging is therapeutic at times.

I woke up exhausted. I was a little late to work. I was assigned a task that I had little knowledge of. It seems like there is some tension among co-workers. I tried to make friendly conversation and it just seems to fail every time. I was supposed to get off early today. This whole hour was to be used to relax and get some important things done. I had a training that would allow me to get out right on time and not get trapped in the lab. The training took longer. I was a little sad I didn't get off on time, but not super frustrated or worried. Then while driving down the highway it hit me, I was overwhelmed. I felt like crying. Why does this happen? I let a little of it out and decided that tonight would be better, I could have a good night with my family, read my scriptures and pack. I came home and learned that my nephew might flunk 5th grade. This kid is smart and very clever. So that started it all. We had a very frank discussion about why he needed to bring up his grades and how he was in control of this. I felt like it went well. Then the younger one would not do his homework. I tried and tried to get him to do it. He just wouldn't listen.....so to the corner he goes. I set the timer letting him know how long he will be in there. He then continues to not listen.....more time added to timer. He then runs out of the corner and starts messing around. So I warn him again. So now I say the words that no kid wants to hear, " if I count to 5 and you're not in that corner, you're grounded!" And of course he is not in the corner. Grounded. Then he starts to cry. Then 30 minutes later ..... the other one is in the corner. He is also threatening to run to the grocery store and live in the dumpster. Refuses to eat dinner. Doesn't listen all night. Now 3 hours later, homework is still not done and they are still not listening.

I feel so frustrated, upset and a little angry. I am out of patience. I hate raising my voice. I don't like doing anything that creates that feeling of loosing the Spirit. I hate feeling like I have no idea how to help these kids. I just want them to be good kids. I want them to be happy and feel like they are loved. I want them to know that the things I ask them to do are for them, not for me. I want them to do good in school and develop their interests. I want to have FHE instead of struggling with them to do their homework. I want to take them to get ice cream just because instead of making them go back in the shower because they faked it.

I'm not a mom.

I always joke that I am a part time mom. I feel like one. These boys need me. They are the reason that I live here. I just feel like I am failing. I mean that. I don't have a clue what to do.

So today was just not my day. So tomorrow I will wake up and try again. I am so glad that I know that things can and will get better. I hope for more. I hope that tomorrow, work will go a little smoother, my nephews will listen and I can smile. But if not, I will try again the next day and the next day.

Monday, January 21, 2013

I must be a grown up because....

I ate carrots and rice with spinach for dinner
I no longer can function normally on "lack of sleep" mode
I wake up at 5:30am
I have a retirement plan
I work overtime
blah blah blah

I sometimes feel old. My life has changed a lot since I last posted. I now have a "grown up" job. I work as a Chemistry lab tech. The decision to take this job was a really hard one for me. This job honestly terrified me. I have been fortunate/unfortunate to not have many failures in life. I felt like I didn't know anything and how in the world am I supposed to be a chemist? The gloomy cloud of possible failure seemed to loom over me. I also worried about how it would affect my future and social life. I don't live in the most happening place on the planet when it comes to my social life and taking a job that would not allow me to take random days off and be flexible would be a sacrifice.

After a lot of prayer and thinking, I decided to take it. It was a scary thing. One reason why I am so glad I served a mission is because I learned how to do scary things. I learned how to try my best and starting learning to trust God to make up for what I couldn't do. At the end of my mission I wanted to conquer all of my fears. I felt like this was a real possibility. Then I started on with life again and realized that life is full of scary things. While thinking about this job, I realized that there will always be new things in life, most of them hard and most of them scary. I could choose to avoid them and not progress as much personally or I could do them and possibly fail.

So far there has been some failures -- not catching a door and spilling a blue chemical that I just tediously weighed and cleaning the floor with my supervisor, or trying to pull the tip cap off of a column and spilling liquid all over. Both of which left me feeling stupid and embarrassed. I am sure that there will be many more to come....just hopefully none involving really expensive equipment and uranium.

So I am glad that I took this job. I do not know what will happen in the next 6 months....I could live in Utah starting a PhD program or I could be here in Hobbs playing with uranium or who knows I could move to Mexico with my illegal husband :) Whatever happens it will be good I think.