Thursday, February 7, 2013

Happy 150th Post - Fail

So this week has been.......well I don't know if there is really a word for it.

Lately, I have felt great. This last weekend I felt really happy, more happy than I have in so long. I have been changing my attitude and thoughts. I finally felt like I knew who I am again.

I made a really big, really hard decision this week. Life altering really.

But, I want to talk about days like today. Days after hard weeks. Long work hours. Little rest. Frustration. And failure.

I don't want to rant to the internet, but I feel like blogging is therapeutic at times.

I woke up exhausted. I was a little late to work. I was assigned a task that I had little knowledge of. It seems like there is some tension among co-workers. I tried to make friendly conversation and it just seems to fail every time. I was supposed to get off early today. This whole hour was to be used to relax and get some important things done. I had a training that would allow me to get out right on time and not get trapped in the lab. The training took longer. I was a little sad I didn't get off on time, but not super frustrated or worried. Then while driving down the highway it hit me, I was overwhelmed. I felt like crying. Why does this happen? I let a little of it out and decided that tonight would be better, I could have a good night with my family, read my scriptures and pack. I came home and learned that my nephew might flunk 5th grade. This kid is smart and very clever. So that started it all. We had a very frank discussion about why he needed to bring up his grades and how he was in control of this. I felt like it went well. Then the younger one would not do his homework. I tried and tried to get him to do it. He just wouldn't to the corner he goes. I set the timer letting him know how long he will be in there. He then continues to not listen.....more time added to timer. He then runs out of the corner and starts messing around. So I warn him again. So now I say the words that no kid wants to hear, " if I count to 5 and you're not in that corner, you're grounded!" And of course he is not in the corner. Grounded. Then he starts to cry. Then 30 minutes later ..... the other one is in the corner. He is also threatening to run to the grocery store and live in the dumpster. Refuses to eat dinner. Doesn't listen all night. Now 3 hours later, homework is still not done and they are still not listening.

I feel so frustrated, upset and a little angry. I am out of patience. I hate raising my voice. I don't like doing anything that creates that feeling of loosing the Spirit. I hate feeling like I have no idea how to help these kids. I just want them to be good kids. I want them to be happy and feel like they are loved. I want them to know that the things I ask them to do are for them, not for me. I want them to do good in school and develop their interests. I want to have FHE instead of struggling with them to do their homework. I want to take them to get ice cream just because instead of making them go back in the shower because they faked it.

I'm not a mom.

I always joke that I am a part time mom. I feel like one. These boys need me. They are the reason that I live here. I just feel like I am failing. I mean that. I don't have a clue what to do.

So today was just not my day. So tomorrow I will wake up and try again. I am so glad that I know that things can and will get better. I hope for more. I hope that tomorrow, work will go a little smoother, my nephews will listen and I can smile. But if not, I will try again the next day and the next day.