Inbetween

I have always been drawn to trees. I love them in every season. Winter would not be the same without their nakedness. Spring has my favorite green - fresh leaf buds. Summer trees provide the best shade. Fall.....fall is my favorite.....the crunch of the leaves as you walk, the gradual changing of colors. I love art with trees. I love taking pictures of trees.

Right now, I feel like I have no roots. I guess you can say I feel torn between so many things. I feel like I don't have any time to really settle into things. I have this feeling that I need to make lots of decisions, big, important decisions. However, I am not sure of what the decisions are. Recently I have felt heavy. This heaviness that doesn't go away.
I have always tried to remain positive. If I have a bad day, I tell myself that I need to be optimistic and stop pitying myself. I have a hard time dealing with those deep down unpleasant feelings. Lately, these type of feelings are being uncovered and I can't seem to bury them.
People have asked me how I am doing. I always smile and say that I am good! Because that is what I usually am.
 I am having to learn that its ok not to be good. Its ok to have a bad month. Its ok to tell people that I am actually not ok.

This sounds rather silly that I have yet to learn this, doesn't it?
 Life still is full of good moments. Those seconds that make you laugh from deep down inside. Those moments of peace and comfort. Those simple times of feeling like you can get through anything. So while life is hard at the moment, it is also very sweet.

This picture was taken on Thanksgiving day 2011. Its not a picture that I normally would notice, but I just love this picture. It is in the middle of me trying to get a great jumping shot. That day was probably the most homesick I felt as a missionary. These are my favorite trees in Denver. Monaco parkway. The houses are just lovely. The trees look good every season. This day was also a day of many smiles and wonderful people. I received so much happiness from teaching someone to make mashed potatoes. I will always cherish those moments.


I am glad that hard times are times for learning, crying and good memories. 

Its been a while

Life has kept going as it always does.
I always want to say something profound and wise when I blog, but maybe I should be content with my usual, everyday thoughts. Much and very little have happened over the past months. Isn't that how it always is?

Today, I have been thinking about what gives life meaning. I always feel like big things make life exciting and interesting. These elusive moments are longed for. The ever present idea of "when this happens" or "if this happens" seem to invade my mind. Over the past months I have done many things that were new. I signed a very long contract to purchase my new car. I did many supposedly gown-up things at work. I traveled to Las Vegas all by myself. I dated. I overcame one my biggest personal trials. The list goes on....

Someone asked me recently about where do I see myself in ten years. I said all of the usual things - married, kids..... Then they asked about my goals. My goal is to be happy. At the time the answer seemed kinda lame, but thinking about the act of "being happy" right now is kinda daunting.

My friend Kyle and I spoke this week. We are both in similar positions in life. We work at our "grown up jobs," we live at home with our moms, and are about the same age. He said, "I'm 25 and I live at home. I might as well start buying cats." I told him, "Kyle, I'm almost 25 and I live at home and I HAVE a cat." Hahaha.

So how do I as a almost 25 year old, living at home, cat owning chemist add meaning and happiness to my life? This is something that I need to think about.

However, in my reading today I found something wonderful. A war between the Nephites and Lamanites has just ended. At this time the people have been very obedient and are prospering.

Alma 50

19 And thus we see how merciful and just are all the dealings of the Lord, to the fulfilling of all his words unto the children of men; yea, we can behold that his words are verified, even at this time, which he spake unto Lehi, saying:

20 Blessed art thou and thy children; and they shall be blessed, inasmuch as they shall keep my commandments they shall prosper in the land. But remember, inasmuch as they will not keep my commandments they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord.

23 But behold there never was a happier time among the people of Nephi, since the days of Nephi, than in the days of Moroni, yea, even at this time, in the twenty and first year of the reign of the judges.

I love this promise. I love that Heavenly Father keeps His promises. Just like Mosiah 2:41 these show that as we keep the commandments we can have happiness.

The Lord has made so many promises to me. I always expect life to be VERY exciting and full of huge moments. I struggle with seeing the beauty in the small things in life, but have had several moments recently where I was fully aware of the simple beauty of everyday life.

One of them happened a week ago. I was sitting on a huge tube next to my MTC comp Sis. Thomas. We were tubing in Las Vegas. I had never been before and like always when trying new things, I was nervous. It was wonderful. I was laughing so hard as we both tried to stay on. The water was freezing. I just kept laughing and laughing. I have not felt a trill like that for a while. It was wonderful.

Another one happened over a month ago. I was sitting in the back of a pick up truck driving around Lubbock. Something told me to take it in. Looking at the stars and feeling that awesome Lubbock wind felt different.

Another was talking to a good friend late at night while being upset. He mentioned the importance of having meaningful conversation in a friendship.

Another was hearing my nephew pray for our family.

So my life may not be super exciting. It may even be quite dull. But its up to me to choose to be happy. Its up to me to find meaning in small things.

With love from Hobbs....

Happy 150th Post - Fail

So this week has been.......well I don't know if there is really a word for it.

Lately, I have felt great. This last weekend I felt really happy, more happy than I have in so long. I have been changing my attitude and thoughts. I finally felt like I knew who I am again.

I made a really big, really hard decision this week. Life altering really.

But, I want to talk about days like today. Days after hard weeks. Long work hours. Little rest. Frustration. And failure.

I don't want to rant to the internet, but I feel like blogging is therapeutic at times.

I woke up exhausted. I was a little late to work. I was assigned a task that I had little knowledge of. It seems like there is some tension among co-workers. I tried to make friendly conversation and it just seems to fail every time. I was supposed to get off early today. This whole hour was to be used to relax and get some important things done. I had a training that would allow me to get out right on time and not get trapped in the lab. The training took longer. I was a little sad I didn't get off on time, but not super frustrated or worried. Then while driving down the highway it hit me, I was overwhelmed. I felt like crying. Why does this happen? I let a little of it out and decided that tonight would be better, I could have a good night with my family, read my scriptures and pack. I came home and learned that my nephew might flunk 5th grade. This kid is smart and very clever. So that started it all. We had a very frank discussion about why he needed to bring up his grades and how he was in control of this. I felt like it went well. Then the younger one would not do his homework. I tried and tried to get him to do it. He just wouldn't listen.....so to the corner he goes. I set the timer letting him know how long he will be in there. He then continues to not listen.....more time added to timer. He then runs out of the corner and starts messing around. So I warn him again. So now I say the words that no kid wants to hear, " if I count to 5 and you're not in that corner, you're grounded!" And of course he is not in the corner. Grounded. Then he starts to cry. Then 30 minutes later ..... the other one is in the corner. He is also threatening to run to the grocery store and live in the dumpster. Refuses to eat dinner. Doesn't listen all night. Now 3 hours later, homework is still not done and they are still not listening.

I feel so frustrated, upset and a little angry. I am out of patience. I hate raising my voice. I don't like doing anything that creates that feeling of loosing the Spirit. I hate feeling like I have no idea how to help these kids. I just want them to be good kids. I want them to be happy and feel like they are loved. I want them to know that the things I ask them to do are for them, not for me. I want them to do good in school and develop their interests. I want to have FHE instead of struggling with them to do their homework. I want to take them to get ice cream just because instead of making them go back in the shower because they faked it.

I'm not a mom.

I always joke that I am a part time mom. I feel like one. These boys need me. They are the reason that I live here. I just feel like I am failing. I mean that. I don't have a clue what to do.

So today was just not my day. So tomorrow I will wake up and try again. I am so glad that I know that things can and will get better. I hope for more. I hope that tomorrow, work will go a little smoother, my nephews will listen and I can smile. But if not, I will try again the next day and the next day.

I must be a grown up because....

I ate carrots and rice with spinach for dinner
I no longer can function normally on "lack of sleep" mode
I wake up at 5:30am
I have a retirement plan
I work overtime
blah blah blah

I sometimes feel old. My life has changed a lot since I last posted. I now have a "grown up" job. I work as a Chemistry lab tech. The decision to take this job was a really hard one for me. This job honestly terrified me. I have been fortunate/unfortunate to not have many failures in life. I felt like I didn't know anything and how in the world am I supposed to be a chemist? The gloomy cloud of possible failure seemed to loom over me. I also worried about how it would affect my future and social life. I don't live in the most happening place on the planet when it comes to my social life and taking a job that would not allow me to take random days off and be flexible would be a sacrifice.

After a lot of prayer and thinking, I decided to take it. It was a scary thing. One reason why I am so glad I served a mission is because I learned how to do scary things. I learned how to try my best and starting learning to trust God to make up for what I couldn't do. At the end of my mission I wanted to conquer all of my fears. I felt like this was a real possibility. Then I started on with life again and realized that life is full of scary things. While thinking about this job, I realized that there will always be new things in life, most of them hard and most of them scary. I could choose to avoid them and not progress as much personally or I could do them and possibly fail.

So far there has been some failures -- not catching a door and spilling a blue chemical that I just tediously weighed and cleaning the floor with my supervisor, or trying to pull the tip cap off of a column and spilling liquid all over. Both of which left me feeling stupid and embarrassed. I am sure that there will be many more to come....just hopefully none involving really expensive equipment and uranium.

So I am glad that I took this job. I do not know what will happen in the next 6 months....I could live in Utah starting a PhD program or I could be here in Hobbs playing with uranium or who knows I could move to Mexico with my illegal husband :) Whatever happens it will be good I think.

Looking forward

There are a couple of things that I am looking forward to.

Fall

Scarves.

Sweaters.

Cold weather.

Hot chocolate.

Thanksgiving.

Extreme amounts of cooking.

People coming together eating, enjoying the day. 

I don't know if there is a better holiday for me. I love watching people as they chat and eat. 

The Nativity

The start of the Christmas season. 

Music! 

Community! 

I really am looking forward to taking some friends. 

Carol of the Lights

Hot chocolate.

Cold weather.

Friends.

Tech.

I love the atmosphere of campus. I love going with everyone and talking and freezing.

People

I love being with people.

I am excited to spend time with people. 

I am excited for pointless movie nights, card games and late night chats.

Graduate School Applications

I am ready for the future to start.

Hopefully the process isn't too painful.

Hopefully they want me. 

It feels so good to look forward to something. These past couple of months have been filled with new experiences - most of them difficult. I for the first time in such a long time feel hopeful, like something good could happen.

So maybe the saucy scientist is coming back!

To - do

News! I have a job interview next week! I am super excited about it. I am also super nervous about it. It still surprises me that I am a "grown-up" and am qualified to protect people from radiation poising.  I feel like this job would help get life rolling a little more. So with the interview and being a full-time aunt, there is much to be done this week. I love productivity and so here are some of the things I will attempt to get done this week.

To Do:

Find grown-up, professional, job interview attire

Find college transcript

Read about radiation and remember more about Mass Spectrometry

Practice interview questions

Carve pumpkins

Finish halloween costume

Find external hard drive

Ask for letters of recommondations

Finalize list of graduate schools I will apply to

Vote

Write letters to missionaries and send the ones already written

Eat an ice cream cone

Hair cut

Wash car

Fix door handle on  driver side door

Enter receipts in my budget

Upload pictures
Grow a beard

Wish me luck! Happy Tuesday!

Waking up on the wrong side of the day

This morning I feel horrible. I feel cranky, sad, tired, and have a head ache.

I can usually tell how my day will go based on my morning. Some days I wake up and feel that extra spring in my step and just know that the day will be full of good things. I can find happiness in the randomness of life and even laughter in disappointment. Sadly, there are other days, days of droopiness, discomfort, and despondency. Today is one of those days.

It is normal to have these days. I do feel like I am partly to blame for feeling this way. I have neglected a very important part of my daily routine. It still happens but is not given my full attention.

Thy words were found, and I did eat them; and thy word was unto me the joy and rejoicing of mine heart: for I am called by thy name, O Lord God of hosts. (Jer. 15:16)

For behold, it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ, which will point to you a straight course to eternal bliss, as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass, which would point unto them a straight course to the promised land.

 And now I say, is there not a type in this thing? For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise.

O my son, do not let us be slothful because of the easiness of the way; for so was it with our fathers; for so was it prepared for them, that if they would look they might live; even so it is with us. The way is prepared, and if we will look we may live forever. (Alma 37:44-46)

These are the promises that God has given to the diligent scripture reader.

My study of the scriptures has been more challenging lately. I feel less connected. It requires so much more energy to satisfy my hunger for communication from God. However, I know that any time I start my day off with passages like these, the day is easier.
I do believe that the words of Christ direct my life for good and can really help us overcome the daily grind or even more pressing matters.

 I will still have days of sadness and irritability, but they will be a little easier to manage with these words.

As I was writing this post, I got a phone call from my grandma. Someone wonderful just passed away. Her and her husband were driving to the temple. My family has known this family for years. She was my nursery leader. She always has a smile on her face. She always tells me how happy she is to see me. Her life has always been a life of service. I am so glad that God knows when its time and that He blesses us with such wonderful people.

Fat, low fat and the media!

This morning while I was eating my morning quesadilla pondering the complexities of life, I had the thought "How do they make food low fat?"

I think about things like this all of the time. So what do I do when I get to work? I use my awesome googling skills.

I was first thinking about scientifically how do they make food low fat, but then this appeared. Apparently there is a lot of tension with nutritionist about the use of low fat foods. Many times a low fat food is high in carbs. My example is Twizzlers.

A low fat candy! I happen to love them, even though some people say they are like plastic. But clearly they are not very nutritious. Low in fat and high in sugar.

According to my "research" (meaning some googling) many people have bought into the low fatness and instead increased their sugar intake making them fat. So many people buy low fat yogurt, sour cream, low fat oreos. Fat tastes good! So when they take it out of products they have to add something to make it taste better - sugar! Obviously this is not all foods, but many of them. This is something I want to look into just because.

My next thought was "How does the media dictate how we perceive food?"

This week its eat more carrots to improve your eye sight! Next week its eat 1 cup of oatmeal and your acne will be cured! Obviously I'm exaggerating.  But seriously, how much can we trust what we hear on TV or in a magazine? I am always a skeptic when it comes to these claims. But how much should we believe? How are we influenced by the media? I feel like we don't do a good job as consumers. We believe what is fed to us. I really wish that "the media" always told the truth AND more importantly I wish that we would look into things instead of always believing them.

This is kind of random. I am not the best writer, but these are my Friday morning thoughts.
I want to hear what y'all think of this.

With love from New Mexico,
Allison

Leaving Jerusalem

In the beginning of the Book of Mormon Lehi and his family are commanded to leave Jerusalem.
They left behind all of their possessions. all of their precious things. took nothing expect the essentials.
They suffered hunger, physical aliments, trials, and family problems.
Yet they gave thanks to God.

"And he also spake unto them concerning the land of promise, which they had obtained—how merciful the Lord had been in warning us that we should flee out of the land of Jerusalem.

For, behold, said he, I have seen a vision, in which I know that Jerusalem is destroyed; and had we remained in Jerusalem we should also have perished."

How often does God in His mercy warn us to leave our "Jerusalem"?

How much faith does it take to leave? 

What do we have to leave behind? 

"Behold, these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy."

When the Lord asks us to leave do we think, Well I might be happy if.....? I fall into this trap too often. I know that what God wants for me is best and leads to happiness, yet I wine and say, "I JUST WANT TO BE UNHAPPY!"

 "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

How often do I forget Him? How often do I choose something that will lead to unhappiness because of my lack of understanding, or lack of faith or lack of wanting to accept His will?

"And I said unto them: If God had commanded me to do all things I could do them. If he should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done.

And now, if the Lord has such great power, and has wrought so many miracles among the children of men, how is it that he cannot instruct me, that I should [_____]?"

How often do I think that what He has asked me is super hard? 

I need to learn that as His daughter, I don't always understand the WHY of something. I need to trust that He will lead me. 

 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;

 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.

 And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.

Wherefore, do the things which I have commanded you, saith your Redeemer, even the Son Ahman, who prepareth all things before he taketh you;

For ye are the church of the Firstborn, and he will take you up in a cloud, and appoint every man his portion.

And he that is a faithful and wise steward shall inherit all things. Amen."

 And I am promised that if I listen and act, God will give me the blessings of eternity. How does that even compare to "I might have been happy" ?

On another note - Halloween is coming!

 

Thoughts and Thinking

Life can be so wonderful.
Life can also be so confusing.
Earlier this week, I felt so overwhelmed by thoughts. It was like I couldn't fit them inside myself. Thoughts of the future, present, past, non-realistic future, etc.
Really, we as humans have a myriad of things to think about.


Somethings that have been on my mind are:
What should I do when I grow up?
How can I change the world just being one person?
Why is my faith so important to me? 
What do adults do? 
What will happen to America in the near future? 
SCIENCE!
How can I be a better friend?
How can I do everything I need to do?
What is my ten year plan?
How can I be a better sister, daughter and aunt?
How will I ever get married? 
How will I continue my education?
What books will I read?
How will I ever get a job and move to Lubbock?
Etc...... 

Should I be an artist?

I have been confused for quite sometime and after last week I felt like my thoughts were crushing me. I felt like I wasn't strong enough to endure them. However, God is great! Lately, the Book of Mormon has been such a large blessing. The only rest I have obtained has been in those pages, those words. The burden is lifted as I read and then comes back as soon as I am done. Faith moves mountains of ______ even if for small moments. 

Yesterday and anteayer were such wonderful days. I felt like I could breathe. Also some wonderful things have happened. Realizations have come. I applied for some jobs in Lubbock. I applied at some interesting places - Pest Control - Furniture Store - Bath & Body Works - and realized that I really need to go back to school for me. I also went to the LAB! It felt so great to be there among friends and fellow scientist. I've also been listening to several scientific lectures, and I rediscovered my love for science. Science fills me with such a special emotion. CURIOUSITY. JOY. DEEP THOUGHT. GIDDINESS. It gives me moments like Velma from ScoobyDoo - Jinkies!
Could I really be happy doing something else? 
So the thoughts of graduate school are resurfacing. AND it thrills me! I felt better about so many things. As of next weekend, I will be living in Lubbock. I will have a poor paying job. I will be poor. BUT I feel good about it! Bring on the happiness.